Like Ive said suddenly the cancer has been pushed to the back of my mind, it is the knowledge that i am going to have to have ribs removed ( in order to get to the tumour ) which i find very distressing, just imagine it your ribs removed !!.......i can honestly tell you that up until my operation this causes me so much anguish. One more thing before i forget again, when the date for my operation was being scheduled i had told my Consultant that under no circumstances would it happen before August 11th. We were going on holiday then, taking Stephen to Flamingo Land, North Yorkshire, we had saved for so long and my boy had not had a holiday for years. Luckily my Consultant agreed to my request.
Well over the months that followed until my operation, apart from taking Stephen on holiday....My life had turned into absolute Hell !!, absolutely everything !!, i will try and explain few of the things.
I had a massive complex about people catching my cancer off me...i know this sounds stupid but honestly i had it in my head it was going to happen, even giving my son a kiss i could not kiss him on his lips, it was a quick kiss on my boys cheeks, this i found heartbreaking, but i believed he would catch it from me. Despite, having great people around me, i felt alone and embarrassed that i had cancer, i felt as if i was a disgusting person i felt that i was a absolute let down to everyone, i felt alone, no one ever made me feel like this about myself..it was a hatred for myself that i had created.
Night after night after night, no sleep tears,i felt as if i was the dead man walking, looking at photographs, going through hours upon hours of camcorder tape documenting what was on them.For if i did die i did not want my boy to forget is Dad i wanted him to see all the happy times we had had together.I cannot explain, night times always the worse, if i compared those nights to Hell believe me i honestly believe Hell would have been the much nicer place to be.
One of the things that i could not stand was people saying...you will be OK, lots of people survive cancer now, don't worry ,...before you no it you will be back to normal, ........i know peole mean well but i felt like saying WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW !!! OH YEAH A WALK IN THE PARK, IF IT'S FUCK ALL YOU COME TOO !!!! but you don't you say thanks, and agree with them.
One thing i will tell you is that my first wife died in Hospital, she was only 28,a beautiful young Lady, a very gentle caring girl and ever since the night she died in Hospital i had a absolute fear of Hospitals which in turn had convinced me that i was going die in Hospital.
I am going to tell you about my operation and Hospital in the next Chapter, please believe me i felt tortured the only relief i ever had was for 7 days when i took Stephen to Flamingo Land aweek before my operation.....well i thought a week before my operation !!!!!
Below me and Stephen having a brilliant time, the best advice i can ever give if possible have a Holiday before a major operation seeing the joy he was having made me forget about my pain.
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