My emotions from cancer.

I mentioned in a earlier blog, that from the very first second that you are diagnosed with cancer the roller coaster ride begins. Forget the 'Big One', this is the 'Emotion Coaster' !.

        The 'Emotion Coaster' has much higher drops, twist and turns.

I will mention some of the emotions that my cancer diagnosis brought me.

Fear, fear caused me more upset than any emotion. Fear also taught me my biggest lesson and prepared me for anything that life might throw my way that i am not expecting.
People that read my tweets on Twitter will often read a tweet by myself that reads.
Never fear the unknown because more often than not the unknown is nothing to fear.
So the fear comes from the unknown, please read my blog.....'I hear voices'....this explains that all my fear of the unknown was unjust !!!!
And it actually annoys me that i spent so much time fearing the unknown.

Panic, i suppose that panic is the same as fear. Please try not to panic it affects the way that you see things, you will think up situations and see them all wrong, in a negative way.

Denial, i tried everything to deny that i had cancer, telling myself that a mistake had been made.That medical records had been mixed up, there was no way i had cancer i was far to fit. Believe me denial is a massive part of being diagnosed with cancer.

Shame, i felt so ashamed of myself. I felt dirty, and i have mentioned before i felt that i was going to be responsible for passing my cancer on to somebody, even frightened to kiss loved ones, terrified i would give them my cancer.

Humour, yes believe it or not humour. The reason i resorted to humour was possibly to raise my own spirits but most definitely to lift other peoples spirits, people who i could see were uneasy with the knowledge that i had cancer. My belief was that they would be more comfortable and they would see me as strong and not see a person who was actually falling apart.

Positivity, my greatest emotion due to the fact that i discovered it myself. Out of all my negativity came positivity, which will be with me for the rest of my life. And because i discovered positivity from one of the lowest points in my life, i feel as if that gives me the advantage to pass my positive thoughts onto other people, people who may have been recently diagnosed with cancer themselves.

There are so many emotions you experience on the 'Emotion Coaster'....

Shame, bad luck, humour, panic, fear, anger, denial, frustration......the list continues !!!

Always remember.....Cancer is a word, not a sentence.

o
 Some photographs to promote positive thought.
Scar pictures taken three weeks apart.

Photographs of myself, the first eight weeks ago, and the second taken today.

My Life with kidney cancer: Cancer is a word not a sentence.

My Life with kidney cancer: Cancer is a word not a sentence.: Cancer is a word not a sentence. Cancer is a word not a sentence. Cancer is a word not a sentence.                                       ...

Cancer is a word not a sentence.

Cancer is a word not a sentence.
Cancer is a word not a sentence.
Cancer is a word not a sentence.
                                                    Please read the above and never ever forget, Cancer is a word not a sentence. The very moment that i was told that i had cancer my life as i knew stopped.
Panic mode immediately set in, panic mode and emergency mode, and the shock waves that created pushed my family and friends into panic and emergency mode.
                                                                                                                                                            
Upon reflection, i think the best advice that i can give to a person who has been diagnosed with cancer would be, after the initial shock please please ! try your very best to continue to live the life that you know, that you live every single day.

If you have followed my blog, you will know that i when i was diagnosed with cancer i fell apart. And that fear took over my life which in turn turned my life into a living hell.
And all the negativity that took over my life sent shock waves to my family and friends and caused them even more upset that i felt i had already imposed on them.I feel that i also pushed my family into emergency mode.

Every time i see the word survivor in connection with cancer, or a person refers to me as a survivor it makes me feel very uncomfortable.
At first the word survivor gave me strength, made me feel strong, now i think that the word survivor has a time and a place and not to be used in conjunction with cancer.
Do you understand ? i will try and explain....
Lets say a plane crashes and if anybody on board survives they are labelled a survivor which is right because to be truthful you are expected to be killed in a plane crash.
When somebody is referred to has a cancer survivor, well to me it makes me feel that everybody else with cancer is expected to die.
Ive been flicking through my dictionary....thriving cancer ? to thrive means to do well, to have a good quality of life, but to me thriving cancer does not sound right.

So i will just say in the future i am living well and i feel that living well has the right meaning for myself at this moment in time.

One thing i have learnt in my recovery so far is if you set your goals to high you can cause yourself disappointment which in turn turns into negativity. So always remain positive, you know positivity is the message i try to get across.

 Myself 8 weeks after operation to

                                   remove tumour from my right kidney.

Positivity heals.

My Life with kidney cancer: Salford Royal Hospital, 31st October 2012, ...

My Life with kidney cancer: Salford Royal Hospital, 31st October 2012,
       ...: Salford Royal Hospital, 31st October 2012,                                                                       "Hello Gary, how are you, ...

My Life with kidney cancer: I hear voices, one voice is talking to me "Gary ca...

My Life with kidney cancer: I hear voices, one voice is talking to me "Gary ca...: I hear voices, one voice is talking to me "Gary can you hear me, Gary can you hear me?" i mumble something, i am aware that there are people...

My Life with kidney cancer: 25th September 2012

My Life with kidney cancer: 25th September 2012: Outside my sons primary school.   " Who do i love more than anyone else in the whole wide world ? ".........."me Daddy"....." You never e...

My Life with kidney cancer: Operation day.

My Life with kidney cancer: Operation day.: I had my date for my operation, i was a million miles away from the state of mind that i had on holiday only two weeks before. I had not eat...

My Life with kidney cancer: The living hell

My Life with kidney cancer: The living hell: Right, for the time being i have decided not to discuss my home life, all that i will tell you is that i am married and a have a son who is ...

My Life with kidney cancer: Finding out i had Cancer

My Life with kidney cancer: Finding out i had Cancer: Right, where was i ?, oh yes...so if you ever need the old tube down the ding a ling you do not worry about it.You will not feel it before n...

My Life with kidney cancer: Why was i feeling unwell ?

My Life with kidney cancer: Why was i feeling unwell ?: Hello my name is Gary, i am 43 years old.     Earlier this year i was suffering with very bad heartburn, to be honest with you since i had ...

Salford Royal Hospital, 31st October 2012,
                                                                      "Hello Gary, how are you, how is recovery going?", My consultant has walked through the door, shaken my hand and taken a seat. " I am very well thank you very much, seeing that the operation was only five weeks ago, i feel amazing apart from the discomfort in my stomach...well to be perfectly honest i feel like a new man, i am feeling very fit".
  I have so much admiration and respect for my consultant, not only for him being the complete professional that he is, i admire the fact that this man-well you know he is one of life's good guys, i feel as if he has been a very close personal friend for many a long year, due to the fact  that you feel he can genuinely feel the pain and torment i have been through myself.
 He ask to take a look at my scar, he is very pleased.He ask me about the discomfort in my stomach and then me that it is nothing to worry about, also the swelling on my right of my stomach is perfectly natural after the procedure Ive had. He explains it is all down to nerve damage, the main nerves that were cut in order to gain access to the tumour. He tell me these are temporary problems of no alarm, and they will heal in time. Then he discusses the problem they had in the operation, he explains that normally when you remove a tumour fro a kidney, that the kidney is 'packed' in order to stop the bleed,the kidneys bleed profusely. And the position of my tumour proved to difficult to 'pack', and so had to be stitched, also the awkward position had led to a number of ribs being removed ( my worst fear !! although quite fitting for Halloween....i can honestly say that rib removal has caused no pain whatever, and the only tell tale sign being a overhang swelling where they once lived rather happily ha ha.!!)
  He tells me that my age '43' has its pros's and con's, my age is a great advantage regarding my recovery, none the less the concern being that by rights i am far to young to develop this particular cancer, and obviously it is something that is going to have to be very carefully monitored in the future, as well as the other lumps that had been detected in earlier scans.
 He is absolutely confident he removed the cancerous tumour in its entirety, and is very pleased with the operation and my recovery so far.
  He expects me to return to work in January, February, possibly March which will also be the date of my first ct scan. And then six monthly scans will follow. So myself and my consultant are very obviously very pleased at the end of my first appointment since my operation, we shake hands and i give him a cheeky pat on the back and tell him i that i can never thank him enough.
A quite remarkable day !!!
                                             I would just like to say a enormous Thank you to my family, my parents have been amazing taking care of me during my recovery, soon be time to turn the tables and spoil them rotten. My two sisters Lyndsey and Shelley WOW !! amazing, with me every step of the way, Lyndsey even cancelled her wedding due to the fact it coincided with my first sheduled operation, all my family amazing, My consultant, All the doctors and nurses, and every single person that works within the Hospital, My Boss, she has been brilliant with me telling me to return to work when i am good and ready, no pressure what so ever. And to all my friends,


                      And to my son Stephen Knight, i will always always love you Son, you are and will always be the most special person in my life xxx who does Daddy love more than anybody in the whole wide world ?, yes Stephen you !! xxx...................I am overwhelmed with emotion ...i consider myself so so Lucky that all being well i will see my boy grow into a man and watch him have a wonder full wonder full life xxx

I hear voices, one voice is talking to me "Gary can you hear me, Gary can you hear me?" i mumble something, i am aware that there are people around, i remember hearing my name. I can hear somebody telling me that i am going to be taken the High Dependancy unit now, The next thing i remember was the awareness that i am being moved, a can feel occassional flashes of cold air that must be when i'm passing the entrance/exit doors. I then remember...well the truth is i cannot remember things clearly apart from i can hear loved ones who later tell me that they could not believe i was having a conversation with them, they also tell me it is 11.00 pm when i arrive on High Dependancy, i arrived at hospital 11.30 am, a very very long day.
  Thirty days ago the operation to remove the cancer in my body, which had taken form as a tumour on my right kidney was over. I was in bed, unable to move, physically i was at the lowest point in my life but i was so relieved the operation was over at long last.
I had a line into my neck, lines into my right and left hands, a drainage tube from my kidney dealing with blood fluids etc, i had a catheter into my bladder, a epidural in my upper back,pumps attached on my legs. I was frightened unable to move and then to make matters worse i got pneumonia, my blood pressure dropped and the epidural had to be shut down, no pain relief so much fun !!! later i was given a PCA pump, i think that is the correct name which is pain relief you control yourself.
  You really do not feel like it at the time...but you know you are recovering. They tell you they are taking the drainage tube from your kidney, so much worry, Why ?...it does not hurt. They are removing the epidural...the tube from your back, so much worry why?..it does not hurt. They say they are removing the lines from your hand, removing the tube which is placed inside my penis, same again worry........really no need you do not feel it.
 Wow, i drink tea from a beaker it taste so good, i try food i'm very unsure so i try something light...so so good. The physiotherapist try moving me alittle to soon, my consultant later tells me, due to the amount of tissue i had cut from my body....boy don't i know it hahaha....but they soon have me taking my first steps, i'm in pain...but ive done it !!!.....this recovery list could go on and on, my point is this is me i am recovering i am learning that worrying is proving pointless, this is me the man who was in so much fear, month after month after month worrying about my operation, getting it my head the fear about having ribs removed, the thoughts in my head i was going to die !!!.........Remember maybe you can at a later date tou can relay this story onto a person who may be scared, frightened about going into hospital tell them that out of all my negativity i became positive.
I have now been home for 24 days, my blood thinning injections finnished, my scar is healing at a amazing rate, i am so lucky my parents have been looking after me they are amazing, i am walking futher every single day............if i can you can !!!!!!.
As you will know that once home, i found a friend in the form of Twitter, which then turned into hundreds of Twitter friends. You will read my ongoing never ending tweets regarding about always remaining positive and not fearing the unknown, i learned the hard way. My thinking was that if i walked away from a journey with cancer with no story to tell, and not being able to discuss it what was the point. To be honest i thought at first people would think who is this crazy mad man and then i got a message from a young lady that made it so worthwhile......................
   A message from a young lady, she told me that she had found a lump in her breast and the only reason she had plucked up the courage and told her Doctor, was because she had been reading my tweets about always remaining positive, she told me that she had decided to be brave like i now was. What a thing for somebody to tell you WOW!!!! i was so proud, and the best part was that that lump was nothing to worry about, i'm not special and don't want to come across like that...but if it turns out that it is only that one girl i helped well i find that amazing.
Things happen for a reason and i am not wasting that reason.............This is amazing somebody wrote to me......a person that i do not directly know wrote to me the biggest compliment i have ever been paid she wrote..............You are the epitamy of Positivity. I am full of admiration and proud from the tip of my toes to the pit of my stomach for you Gary. I am so pleased i have read your comments you are a brave,strong willed, lion hearted man, a force to be reckonrd with, and your positivity and determination are amazing.
That to a man who had been to the lowest point ever and turned himself around....Well tomorrow back to the hospital Wednesday 31st October, to find out a my biopsy results, and a few other things Wish me well Guys xxx



Below then and now pics, remember were talking weeks.

Add caption

25th September 2012

Outside my sons primary school.
  " Who do i love more than anyone else in the whole wide world ? ".........."me Daddy"....." You never ever forget that Mr Knightshirt "...one of my many names for my little lad. " Right come here and give me a kiss".......My boy started walking along the path up to school.." I love you i called "......i sat in my car my eyes fixed on him as he walked further out of view, my breaths getting deeper, i started screaming, i was hysterical i could not see my eyes and face awash with tears. I had convinced myself that this was the the last time i would ever see my son, i was convinced that i was going to die that afternoon.My son is my biggest love in my life i am very protective over him, sorry but my eyes are filling up now !!!
  I arrived home, got undressed and had a shower, i was in a bizarre state of mind as if i didn't know where i was, one thing i did know time was running out i had to be at the Hospital for 11.30 am. I got dressed picked up my bag and said to my wife time to go or i will be late.I was shaking in the car on the way to the Hospital, oh no oh shit, Fucking Hell we were there in the car park,. I can't do it, i can't go in...."You will be late Gary, come on think of Stephen ", i was not ready, i was swearing ..fucking hell no no no, i can't fucking do this !!!!!!Time was passing by, all at once i opened the car door, this was it it was time.
  I reported to the relevant reception filled in paperwork. Then a nurse came in and took me to the place i had to get prepared for my operation, the place you wait where you get changed etc. " The nurse stopped and told my wife to say goodbye now, i had to go on my own..." NO " i said, i refused to continue, i could not go on my own, quite clear to her i was in a state i was shaking, my eyes watering...remember i had convinced myself i was going to die in that operation. The nurse told us to wait where we were for a moment, a couple of minutes later she returned...OK she said your wife can come with you.
We went into a cubicle, i changed into a gown, they filled out name tags, for my wrist, put surgical stockings on me, they prevent blood clots.Every second seemed like a hour, people come and went, a anaesthetist came to see me ( yet another really nice man)..he again talked me through the procedure before my operation. Different nurses requested things to calm me down they were refused, the reason being they would make me ill after my op ?? !!. My consultant arrived, going through various things asked me which kidney he was removing the tumour from, well you do have to be 100%, and then wrote in very large letters, and drew arrows pointing up on my right leg. He shook my hand and left, various members of my family came in with good luck messages.
 Through out the afternoon, every person waiting for a operation had gone i was the last person, i had been there for over four hours waiting............."MR Knight "..this was it i was on my way.
 I was taken into a room, i think there was five people in there, questions coming from every direction, talking me through every procedure, lines going into my hand...explaining that they were about to start the epidural, i felt pressing on my back in various places, after awhile the anaesthetist told me i was brave it was in, i glanced over i could see the operating theatre next door i glanced in...curtains were quickly drawn and then........................................................i was later told i had passed out before i was due to......exhaustion and stress, I'm still not sure if this was true !!.......................that's it until next chapter.

Operation day.

I had my date for my operation, i was a million miles away from the state of mind that i had on holiday only two weeks before. I had not eaten properly or taken in many fluids in the last week, i felt like shit i really did not feel well and that was brought on by myself. I had lost it, i had been sucked into a state of shock and panic, i was so scared. My operation was on the Friday, i had to see the anaesthetist on the Wednesday.
  I had written down all my questions i wanted to ask the anaesthetist ( a good tip you often forget what you had meant to ask). I had read about waking up whilst i was being operated on, my anaesthetist- a lovely man, reassured me that this would not happen, that he was far to professional to let this happen.I was worried about the epidural in my upper back, again he explained in great detail, and again tried is best to reassure me not to worry. I then told him that i knew i was on the verge of a dental abscess, this he became quite alarmed about he explained that if this was the case the operation would be cancelled, he spoke with the nurses in the pre-op. I was immediately sent to the dental department within the Hospital, who x-ray ed my teeth and gave me the all clear saying there was no sign of gum infection.I knew they were wrong.
 Next morning, i woke my face like a balloon, like i say from previous experience i just knew. I contacted my specialist nurse who asked me to go down to the Hospital- to cut along story short operation cancelled, i was given antibiotics and told i would receive another date for my operation. To be honest with you i was quite relieved because i felt i was in such a bad way physically and mentally i think that operation would have been a disaster.
 I went home, finished the course of antibiotics. Started eating and drinking properly.Went to the Dentist who told me to have the teeth extracted would create more infection in the gums, to wait until after my operation.
  My new date arrived 25th September 2012, 13.30 pm, Shit !!! this was it no escaping this time.          
Over the last few chapters, obviously lots of actual facts, meetings, appointments, people i have met, work problems etc have been left to one side because i would be writing for ever and I'm luck i'm holding your attention so far haha. I would just like to say everybody has been brilliant, family, friends, my boss, work colleges, everyone i have met at Salford Royal, everybody as been brilliant.

 This blog was supposed to be about my operation, that is the next one to come haha....i promise.

No title can describe my fear !!!

So many things had happened over the months leading up to operation day, Hospital visits etc. The one i remember oh so clearly !! was i had a appointment for a chest/lung function test. To be honest i thought this was a pre-op test. I was seen by a nurse who performed the lung function test, which was blowing into a tube in quick succession intervals, which left me coughing and spluttering but she said i had done OK. She told me to sit in the waiting area and i would be seen by the consultant. Ten minutes later i was called in. Something was not right i could sense it, he seemed to stare at me forever and then he asked me how i was. As he was talking to me i could see the screen on is computer showing different images.Then he told me that during my scan, various lumps had been detected mostly in and around my chest, and also i still had a lining attached to my lungs which should have dispersed when i was a child. Was this some kind of joke, why was i only hearing about this now !!! .....he told me there was nothing to worry about regarding the lining on my lung it was of no concern. Then he told me about the lumps he said one was 6cm in size.......my heart sank, i thought how long left two months three if I'm lucky i was devastated. He then asked me if i had seen a image of the tumour on my kidney, he asked if i wanted to see it. For some reason i said yes, he turned the monitor round. The only way i describe it was as if somebody had stook a tennis ball on to my kidney, he explained that because the tumour was perfectly round it was very positive regarding removal. He told me that round shaped tumours are safer to remove you can be more positive that the entire tumour has been removed.He then explained that the additional lumps he felt were no concern, and had advised future scans to be aware of change. Was he taking the piss out of me, was i expected to believe that, i mean a 6cm lump in my chest. I was positive he was just telling me this to so i would not loose my sanity there and then.He assured me that the lumps did not cause any concern.
         I am sure you can imagine how i was after that, for awhile i refused to believe him. And believe me when you stop loosing belief your are in a terrible place.
        Everything was happening, hospital appointments..etc, but believe me one thing i knew,,,was that my operation day was getting nearer.
 Shortly before the operation, we took Stephen to Flamingo Land for a week, remember me telling you how i had told my consultant that my lad was not missing out on is holiday. I can honestly say we had a brilliant time, the weather was brilliant and just seeing the little fellow so happy, i can honestly say i put the hospital to the back of my mind.I never wanted that week to end but i knew it would, but the good thing was i felt so much better in myself. I was ready and i had been told to expect my operation date right after my holiday.
 We arrived home nothing no appointment !!! over the next week or so i started to loose my sense of well being and the fear took over. Then it arrived ...i had my date, the day i had been fearing for so long .
                                     Next chapter operation day, but something will cancel it, picture below might give that away.The two pictures below taken acouple of weeks apart can you believe that.

I am terrified.

So i agree with my consultant, i will have the removal of the tumour not the full kidney removal.
Like Ive said suddenly the cancer has been pushed to the back of my mind, it is the knowledge that i am going to have to have ribs removed ( in order to get to the tumour ) which i find very distressing, just imagine it your ribs removed !!.......i can honestly tell you that up until my operation this causes me so much anguish. One more thing before i forget again, when the date for my operation was being scheduled i had told my Consultant that under no circumstances would it happen before August 11th. We were going on holiday then, taking Stephen to Flamingo Land, North Yorkshire, we had saved for so long and my boy had not had a holiday for years. Luckily my Consultant agreed to my request.
 Well over the months that followed until my operation, apart from taking Stephen on holiday....My life had turned into absolute Hell !!, absolutely everything !!, i will try and explain few of the things.
I had a massive complex about people catching my cancer off me...i know this sounds stupid but honestly i had it in my head it was going to happen, even giving my son a kiss i could not kiss him on his lips, it was a quick kiss on my boys cheeks, this i found heartbreaking, but i believed he would catch it from me. Despite, having great people around me, i felt alone and embarrassed that i had cancer, i felt as if i was a disgusting person i felt that i was a absolute let down to everyone, i felt alone, no one ever made me feel like this about myself..it was a hatred for myself that i had created.
      Night after night after night, no sleep tears,i felt as if i was the dead man walking, looking at photographs, going through hours upon hours of camcorder tape documenting what was on them.For if i did die i did not want my boy to forget is Dad i wanted him to see all the happy times we had had together.I cannot explain, night times always the worse, if i compared those nights to Hell believe me i honestly believe Hell would have been the much nicer place to be.
 One of the things that i could not stand was people saying...you will be OK, lots of people survive cancer now, don't worry ,...before you no it you will be back to normal, ........i know peole mean well but i felt like saying WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW !!! OH YEAH A WALK IN THE PARK, IF IT'S FUCK ALL YOU COME TOO !!!! but you don't you say thanks, and agree with them.
 One thing i will tell you is that my first wife died in Hospital, she was only 28,a beautiful young Lady, a very gentle caring girl and ever since the night she died in Hospital i had a absolute fear of Hospitals which in turn had convinced me that i was going die in Hospital.
 I am going to tell you about my operation and Hospital in the next Chapter, please believe me i felt tortured the only relief i ever had was for 7 days when i took Stephen to Flamingo Land aweek before my operation.....well i thought a week before my operation !!!!!


 Below me and Stephen having a brilliant time, the best advice i can ever give if possible have a Holiday before a major operation seeing the joy he was having made me forget about my pain.

My next Hospital appointment.

Right, so many things are happening in my life at this time, everything is blurred. So i will jump to my next Hospital appointment.
      My consultant is a brilliant man, he is a medical consultant that you feel that you can easily talk to, i feel at ease sat opposite him. First of all he tells me that the Dr who had sent me for my original scan...(remember back, many had past me from pillar to post ).....well I'm now told that he has saved my life, i am told that if it would have been detected two years later if detected at all it would have been to late. It,s strange it feels like i am so happy but also feels like Ive just been kicked in the bollocks !!.
     I have two options, full removal of my right Kidney or having the tumour cut from the top of the kidney. Now when he tells me my options i just can't understand the reason being.......I'm told full removal of the kidney is far easier and a much quicker recovery ????, and yet he suggest we do not go with this option, we go with option 2 which is........we remove the tumour not the kidney and it is a much more difficult operation and also recovery takes much longer. I'm sat there thinking this guy has lost is fucking marbles...what the hell is he going on about !!!!, i ask him but much more politely.
  He tells me, full removal they make small cuts in the skin and it is 3 cuts tubes etc, remove kidney and sew up.( obviously my Consultant makes it sound so easy hahaha !)...he doesn't want to do this because i'm only 43, he tells me i am very young to have this cancer,and if he removes the full kidney if it returns it can only return on my remaining kidney. He tells me i would be unlucky for it to return but he doesn't want to take the chance.
     Option 2, open surgery, he tells me about the scar, then he drops alittle bombshell, because the Dickhead of a tumour has decided to sit on top of the kidney....ribs need removing in order to get to it.!!!.......OH MY GOD...i know Ive got a tumour I'm suddenly not arsed about it, but i feel sick to the core....fucking ribs out !!!, this fear stays with me to the operation. He wants me to go with this option
 so if the tumour does worst luck..come back it will return on this kidney and then it can be removed and i will still have one remaining kidney.
   My consultant sends me home to decide upon which treatment i will be going with, he gives me two weeks thinking time, but my mind is already made up. What could possibly make me go against is advice, this man is my new God, i would be insane to go against his advise and very very ignorant !!........worst luck though it is the treatment that would cause me so many nightmares. He still gives me the two week thinking time, before i commit myself.
A couple of facts...you have two kidneys, each one is the size of a human fist. And did you know the kidneys are the deepest set organ in the human body...................just my fucking luck hahaha.
   Below you will see the Scar i was left with after the operation, i just want to show you what the open surgery left. The full kidney removal leaves you with very small incisions...and now i believe the are removing kidneys through belly buttons !!!!!amazing. !!!..Ps ive not got a big belly it's the swelling, i usually have a 1 pack hahahah. x

The living hell

Right, for the time being i have decided not to discuss my home life, all that i will tell you is that i am married and a have a son who is 9 years old, and if any of you guys  read my Twitter messages you will know that he is everything to me i adore my little lad so much that all the pain within my heart and soul as all been down to my worst case senario.....

   You see the next number of months that followed were Hell !!....Hell no...Hell is a complete understatement, i am not trying to fool you, lie to you, tell you oh well you just wait for your operation, no it does not work like that....it's your worst nightmare, you have just taken your seat on the rollercoaster only it's a million times worse than the Big one and you have a complete phobia of heights.The day i was told i had cancer, well that night i cried all night long whilst i looked at photographs mainly of my son. God !!! that night last forever, and i didn't get one seconds worth of sleep.I walked into work the next morning at 06.00 am, the good thing being at that time there was only minimal staff there. It was easy enough to hide away doing the job i was doing. As time went on more and more staff arrived and the more uneasy that became i felt the need to hide away, and i was becoming more shattered by the minuite.Oh no, a friend was approaching....."How did you get on at the Hospital Gary?" a blur i didn't answer for awhile then i said that i didn't want to talk about it. This upset my close friend, i had sounded bad mannered rude and we had always had a good relationship.She told my manager, she knew there was something wrong. My manager came to see me, i told her i'd see her when i was ready to........anyway i prepared myself, and walked in her office. "What's wrong Gaz?".........Silence, long silence..........." I have got cancer ", i could see her eyes watering...and to make matters worse our friend at work at only just lost his Wife to cancer.We talked, she told me to go and get rest, the rest of that morning was a real blur.....i managed to get to Dinner time then left, i was exhausted, i managed ahour or so before my Wife arrived home with our boy.

Finding out i had Cancer

Right, where was i ?, oh yes...so if you ever need the old tube down the ding a ling you do not worry about it.You will not feel it before no time they will say " right-well done, all finished " what a brilliant feeling over and done with. And then you slightly annoyed with yourself that you spent so much time worrying over that, short lived though because your so relieved it's over and done with. Also you feel have fun next couple of days..peeing !!..well i did, I'm only being honest all i will say is ding a ling v razor blade, Round 1.........Soon passes and i had also received my appointment at the urology department.
    My sister came to the Hospital with me, i was going to go on my own , my sister said she wanted to come with me.I reported in at reception and quite happily sat waiting for my appointment, knowing that i was there only for the outcome of my test which being honest with you i was not worried about, even the lump on my kidney i had dismissed as maybe a tiny cyst.
      "Mr Knight", i looked around...only joking, no one ever calls me Mr Knight....i sat in a room and waited to see a consultant. ( i will not mention is name, all i will say he is a amazing, friendly man that made me feel very much at ease..you know what i mean some Consultants, tend to talk down to you....understand ?),  " Right Mr Knight, the flexible cystoscopy, Superb results nothing to worry about "........this was going to be a walk in the park, i was getting quite comfy in my chair, " unfortunately Mr Knight myself and my colleges have discussed the findings of your Scan results"...he stopped paused and looked at me for what to seem forever..then.." who are you with Mr Knight?"......my sisters in the waiting room why ?...." It might be a good idea if you call her in "....no it's OK, why ?........( what was he fucking talking about !!!!....i was scared very scared )...." we all agree that the lump that we have examined is a Tumour.....Cancer"..................................................................................................................
   I prey for you, that nobody ever ever says those words to you, if they have you will understand this, Everything stops, is mouth still moving but everything is distant, your legs turn to jelly, the ceiling starts to slowly drop the walls move inwards. I'm shouting, i,'m screaming within myself, your wrong..your fucking wrong!!!!, my tears are falling, my heart is screaming all i can think about is my little boy Stephen 9, I'm in pain .......my Consultant gets me a tissue and calls in a nurse, i remember them asking if i want my sister..."NO, " !!!!!.............i don't want her to see me like this, the next 20-30 Min's i don't remember anything, i may as well as not been there, the nurse walks with me to the reception to make a appointment to return back within the next 48 hours, my sisters asking what is wrong....nothing...."there is Gary please tell me", she starts getting upset and holds my hand. We leave the hospital, please don't ask i tell her.........we get back to the safety of my car, nobody can see my tears..."Gary, please tell me, Please !!!".....................Ive got Cancer.



                                                      Salford Royal.









My sister Shelley and my little boy Stephen xxx

Why was i feeling unwell ?

Hello my name is Gary, i am 43 years old.
    Earlier this year i was suffering with very bad heartburn, to be honest with you since i had stopped smoking 10 months earlier i had felt quite dreadful. In reality it would emerge that much of my sudden ill-health would be down to a over active thyroid gland.I had seen various doctors within my surgery numerous times and to be honest nothing was being done, i had been told several times that my blood pressure was high with the same outcome...nothing.
        One day i made yet another appointment, and this appointment would prove to save my life. Dr had been looking through my records and told me that it was not good enough that my symptoms were not being investigated. ( I had even mentioned to one Dr that my stools had been almost black in appearance, no response from him ). My Dr sent me for a upper endoscopy, such fun !! i could not manage it, it is where they feed a tube down your mouth, down your windpipe to investigate. So i was then sent for a barium meal, basically you swallow like a chalk paste and as it passes down into your stomach the digestion is x-ray ed......no problems.
        Then i was sent to have a ultra sound scan. I knew by the young chaps expression who completed the scan that something wasn't right, although he could not tell me so. As soon as i arrived home my Doctors surgery were on the phone, i had to call in and see the Dr that very day. Very strange my mind was racing what could it be. Later my Doctor was explaining that a unusual swelling had been detected on top of my right kidney and i would receive a quick appointment to be seen by the Urology Department at my Local hospital. In the mean time i received a appointment for a CT scan. I had the CT Scan done and then i had a Flexible cystoscopy at the urology clinic. I was and had been very frightened days before i had this procedure. And it was having a tube passed down the Penis into the stomach, the tube has a camera attached to the end for the investigation....and honestly there is no pain what so ever- the only pain you get is for a couple of days later when your trying to pee that caused me discomfort but not the actual procedure.